Rice in Jacksonville, FL
Example Five
The Super Silly Celica
Boy I tell ya, the American-muscle-car owners here in Jacksonville drive around in constant fear of
the unbelievable amount of Rice Power cruising the local streets. (cough, cough, bullshit).
Where to begin??
Before we get to the biggest eyesore of this car (the spoiler), let's just briefly discuss its other "qualities."
- The Wheels
- What the hell is this combo called? The ever stylish (though certainly not unique) rice wheels on the back and hubs up front! Ah yes, this is truly a work of art. (Both sides are like this, by the way, so no, that isn't the spare.)
- I simply don't understand this one, Rice Boy. You're just an idiot.
- Japanese writing on the side. More on this later.
Now, the spoiler!
What the hell is this? Usually when you ask a rice boy why the HELL he puts one of those 1.5' or McDonalds arch spoilers on his car, he'll give you some imaginary response about "performance," or "downforce." (This has already been discussed on a previous example.)
This spoiler, however, takes the cake. I'm awarding it the Ridiculous-ass Spoiler Award for the month. I'd love to hear the explanation for this wing. "Downforce" and "performance" cannot even enter the conversation. This wing is purely for show, and I'm not sure why anyone would want it on their car. Especially a base model Celica. Bravo, Rice Boy.
Of course, where would a Rice Boy be without his torque-robbing exhaust? This particular Rice Boy has one of the larger ones.
Let's take a painful glance at the front (the part of this Celica that every real performance car owner will see in his rear view mirror anyway).
Also staying true to the Rice code, he has adorned this little "race car" with cheap fog lights. Gotta keep up with the other 16 year-olds, after all.
And please don't miss the stylish white vinyl strip across the top of the windshield... wait a minute, what the hell is that for? Someone explain this, please.
I understand a tint strip, however stupid it looks, because it will deflect the sun without blocking your view of the road. But a white strip?
Congratulations, Rice Boy, you've just reduced your view of the road. We are so proud of you.
And finally, the Japanese writing. Now, I understand that many people (especially Rice Boys) feel the need to put stickers on their cars proclaiming what it is.
This helps the rest of us figure out exactly what make and model of car that lawn-mower-sounding POS behind us is. But what is the purpose of the Japanese
writing stickers? Do you even know what it says, Rice Boy?? I would wager that you don't have a clue. You put them on the car so that you can be cooler than your buddies, and
because each sticker adds 3 hp (actually, it's 3 hp in Japanese units, which adds up to zilch when you convert it.)
I realize this has been a particularly more aggressive and venting review of a rice car, but dammit, I am sick of seeing this shit around town! You Rice Boys have no idea what performance is. I'll give you a hint:
it ain't a base model Celica with a ridiculous spoiler, exhaust, mismatched wheels, and stickers. If you pull up next to a real performance car, save yourself the humiliation and stop revving
at them! Our gas mileage suffers when we have to waste fuel spanking your ass repeatedly.
This car is just another example of...
Jacksonville Rice!
Take off the spoiler, fix the wheels, drop the fart muffler, rip off that foreign writing,...
You know what? Nevermind. Just ditch the car and start over.
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